Poem On The One Year Anniversary of Your Death

On the graph

by Sheri Grutz

4 out of 5 are not colored in, meaning they
are dead. One colored one lives.
You were not that one.
You were one of the 4 out of 5
and you were not marked in,
you were just an outline and an
invisible body as if anything
could pass through you but it
looks like milk is all that remained,
or maybe cocaine, or even layer
upon layer of tobacco papers.
You were 4 that die in a white-world,
in a white-washed world, in a blind white sky.
You were 4 out of 5 that
left an image, no face, no hands,
on the graph, you are not an individual,
you are a sexless, shell of a dead one
who looks more like a traced body
matching the other 3. To them you
are no one, you are what is taken
as the life goes out, the heaven remains,
the Baptismal gown remains,
the white lily remains. You are the
4 out of 5 that don't make it
due to smoking, and if you were
to bring me to your lips, like a flame,
no one would tell which was the
kiss of death.

The Media

The media now says things like, "You'll buy anything," meaning my attitude on Kidd Kraddick, and also my purchasing of items this year, "I'd like to sell you a park," or "I'd like to sell you heaven," there is no end to their barrage of comments. Something happens inside of me due to the media, it's a hopeless, oppressed feeling that creates built up grief that can't come to the surface, it's a fed up sort of feeling, a real tired and terrible feeling. I don't think I can ever express to you how much I hate them.


A Few Things

Schizophrenia.com will never say that starting anti-psychotic meds will actually make you more susceptible to hallucinations, but it's in the news today, though I'm reluctant to read the entire article, there must be some truth in it. A person really can't win, can they?

When doing your power calisthenics, make it 12 minutes, instead of 10. It should be 3 repetitions of three different moves, then 3 repetitions of 3 other moves, then combine the 6 together. It helps me to count out each one, like up to 30 seconds, and then switch. I hope you are liking it as much as I am.

I got a new used car, Ford Taurus LX, 2002 with 71K miles on it, paid under 5K, and today I noticed when I got in that the security theft light was flashing. Hmmm, could it be detecting the surveillance.(?) It goes off once I start driving, so I don't know.

This weekend I will be writing a poem for Kidd and Me on the one-year anniversary of his death.


Plan B #2

Doing personal training still might happen this semester, and there is something intensified for like 3 days of all day learning, testing and doing to be certified, happening in September in the Quad Cities, reasonable price: $500 plus books, I could do this instead of the two month program at Blackhawk. I will make this final decision after discussing it with my daughter and her boyfriend when we go out to camp on Aug. 3rd and 4th. I am still doing the two classes this semester too, Human Anatomy, and Food, Nutrition and Health. And I am working out all the time, and thinking constantly about fitness, I don't know, I have body pain, nerve pain, head pain, but I think I might be able to pull it off.

It's funny, I saw a commercial on t.v. today on fibromylagia, and the women who had it were all from upper class, really nice homes, well-dressed women, it's as if, this is not a sloppy, worthless, down and out sort of condition that only the mentally deranged get. They said Lyrica is what they take, but I'm torn about getting on something. As long as I keep moving, I'm ok.


Final Decision

There is so much irritation through the computer when I am sitting in front of it, I don't like how it feels, I don't like what it does to me, and I try to limit my time on it. The reality of taking online classes is out there, and so, I'm not going to pursue the program. Also, I don't think I'm motivated to be a student who needs to focus and use my brain in high-fuctioning ways, I'd rather write and read and do my busywork job of cleaning. There is also the thought of money, something I don't have. Personal training, is a possibility, but not right now, as I've got to spend my money on getting another car. I'm sorry to drag you through my head over this, but it is my final decision. School is out. Things are staying the same.

A 10-minute play (Bonnie Loses Her Wings)

Bonnie Loses Her Wings

by Sheri Grutz

Bonnie Loses Her Wings (A 10-Minute Play)


YANKEE DOODLE (with broomstick pony, wearing shorts with suspenders, and cap)

BONNIE (wearing white with strapped on wings, with large feathers)

Lights up on scene outside, with a background of facade of buildings, trees, and a road. Bonnie walks around in small circles. Enter Yankee Doodle from the left.

I am a Yankee Doodle boy, and who might you be?

I'm Bonnie, but that's only my pet name. My real name is Gargoyle.

Really sticks in your throat, like choking on a chicken bone, do you got a bone to pick with me?

Not unless you want me to bury you, but actually, I can only scratch the surface, you're not my type. (turns away, raises her feathers)

If you think sticks and stones will break my bones, you might be right, but they always make for a great nest, just for reference. (pause. Looks around) This is the last time I'm coming to town, I'm down to my last feather, and just for kicks, when I stick it in my cap, I'm calling it Rice-A-Roni.

Hmm, the last time, perhaps you are looking for the turkey in the straw, you know, the last straw.

More like the last straw that breaks my back.

This is a chance encounter, odd, isn't it, because I never take chances.

You never take chances huh? When was the last time you took a chance?

I will tell you about all my chances. (comes up close to him and put an elbow on his shoulder) The odds were stacked up against me like 20 mattresses, I should have known never to get too comfortable.

True, true.

Anyway, if I had a feather for every chance I took, then I would never fly again, all of this taking off and taking off again, taking a chance on love, don't you see, but going nowhere, they all turn to frost, and then it's time to go south. (throws hand up in the air and walks around stage)

I'll take a feather for every chance you've taken, Lord knows I need them, then I'll be able to keep coming to town. Do you know how many times they sing my song?

Oh, I don't mind singing, it's just the damn flying! So, the first chance was when I was young and I fell for this carefree one, but he didn't return my love, and I flew away.

One chance, one feather. (he quickly pulls a feather from her wing and sets it on the ground)

The second time I took a chance on love and I was raped, and I flew away.

Awful. That's two feathers. (he quickly pulls two feathers and sets them on the ground with the other)

The third chance at love was a pregnancy, and I flew away.

Three feathers. (he quickly pulls three feathers and sets them with the others)

The fourth chance at love was love of my offspring, and I flew away.

Four feathers. (he quickly pulls four feathers and sets them with the others)

The fifth chance at love was love of God, and I flew away.

Five feathers. (he quickly pulls five feathers and sets them with the others)

My sixth chance at love was love of humanity, and I flew away.

Six feathers. (he quickly pulls six feathers and sets them with the others)

And my seventh chance at love was love of myself, and I flew away. Then I stopped taking chances, once I got to myself.

Seven feathers. (he quickly pulls seven feathers) That's just about all of your feathers.

Are you planning on throwing me into the melting pot?!

No, no, nothing like that. You'd make a great rubber chicken, though.

Come to think of it, I can be Mother Goose now, telling rhymes and rocking my heart to sleep.

I might have to start screaming, “The Goose is Loose!”

But now I won't ever have to fly again, I can just love my tales and stop taking chances. As for this chance encounter, hit it! “Yankee Doodle went to town a-riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his cap, and called it macaroni,” (he looks at her hard and bored)

Actually, I'm going to start calling it all a bunch of bologna, I'm tired of macaroni, ever since the dish ran away the spoon I've been eating out of my cap. I'm going to start going to new towns too, you know, see the world! Hey, you wanna come?

No, I'm just going to keep the roost. (she sits down Indian-style)

Alright, but don't be a sitting duck.

No, never.

There's a chance I'll see you again, see you on the flip side. Of a token, that is.

Not if I can help it.

You have helped it, with all of your feathers. Now, what will I do with all of them? I know, I'll make pillows!

Sure, for winking-blinking-and-nod. If you can dream it, you can do it. Take care.

Seed you later!

Better than a peck on the cheek.

He walks off stage carrying all the feathers. She rests head on chest sleeping. Lights out. The end.


Some Things I Need To Change to be Successful in Business

1. Stop wanting to work alone, or at my own pace.

2. Get into technology, all the way, and be proactive about it.

3. Don't always go on instincts, but have the ability to back it up with proof or the numbers.

4. Follow trends.

5. Make my job a part of my life, not get a life outside of a job.

6. Realize what I am worth.

7. Be a better listener.

8. Start caring about my appearance.

9. Cope with setbacks by doing what is told of me, and not melting down.

10. (and last but not least) Go the distance.

Back On

Today in the Quad City Times, there is an article by Linda Cook about how great Scott Community College is, and, that a person with a shady past can walk in there and come out a success. These certain big wigs in the Quad Cities hate whenever I might make one of their establishments look bad, and they always have this hmph! reaction to anything I do or say, though most people do in the media, and it's not surprising. But, just to show what a good sport I am, I have decided to be motivated by Linda Cook, and I'm going to fill out the damn form on financial aid suspension to see if they will lift it, and allow me to get some assistance with my goals. If they do, I will contact the main adviser from the Business program and get enrolled in two online classes for this fall. That means that the personal training will take a back seat, and thank God I haven't paid for that yet. So, the goals are back on! I hope to complete the Business Management Certificate next May, and a Marketing Certificate in May of 2016, and throw in personal training for summer study. Now, I have paid for two classes this fall, Human Anatomy and Food, Nutrition and Health, so actually I will be involved with 3 classes this fall at a time. It will be busy, but I know I can do it, and if things get rough, I'm going to ask for help.


More Odds Than Ends

In canvasing for the Democrats, my friend Therese made a good point, that she is more turned off by someone trying to hard sell a candidate at their door or on the phone, and may make her vote against that candidate. When I did canvasing on Saturday afternoon in Camanche, Iowa for Clinton County Democrats, I just put a human, happy, energetic face on the party, and didn't really pitch anything, even though they wanted me to. I will do this canvasing once a month, on a Saturday afternoon, until election day. Bruce Braley is running for Tom Harkin (D) seat who is retiring, against Joni Ernst, should be a tight race, and the main one to watch in Iowa, though we do have Democrats running for state seats and the governor's seat.

I am now back to drinking half-caf coffee, since I've read caffeine is good, but too much is bad, plus I'm already living on pure energy, and don't need too much of a kick.

I hope Beth will make it home for the week before classes resume for her (Aug. 25th), and I'd like to soon sign both of us up for Day of Caring in the quad cities. We both did window cleaning last year, but this year I'm looking for something new. I believe the date is August 20th, so I hope she will be home for that. Alec and I are going out to her Family Camp week, but just for 2 days, the first week of August, and we are really looking forward to seeing Bethy in action, and having a fun time.

This Wednesday, I will be writing a play called "Bonnie Loses Her Wings." So, be looking for that. I'd also like to, soon, write a piece called "The Fast Lane" about a person or thing that is only fast because everyone else is slow, and why that going-against-the-flow or the norm gets you nowhere.


Why I Serve

Because I can, and it reinforces the "I can" attitude, instead of the "I can't."

Because what you get in return is giving you endurance, it strengthens your spirit.

Because you offer freely and you get freedom.

Because it's a great way to meet people.

Because it's a Christian walk.

I'm always trying to find new things to be involved with in the Quad Cities area. I'd like to start getting my paid job weekend free so that I'm able to help out the homeless shelter on Saturday morning for meal and grocery and pet food distribution. I'd also like to start helping out with road races coming up, both on Friday nights more recently. There is a chance I might do some home renovation too.



Well, I'm in bed, and my knees are throbbing. It's looking like not such a good idea to do these workouts every day, or maybe to cut out some things, like biking, because that seems to bother my knees the most. I'm reconsidering my path into personal training. My knees seem to bother me the most while driving, sitting in my chair, and in bed at night, otherwise, everything is fine. My dreams are unraveling very quickly and making me think that I should just stick to writing.